I watched this video today.
I am not sure how I feel about it.
School, the socialization part of school, especially grades 6 - 12, had a negative effect on me. It was pretty profound. I did not know how to socialize with people. I still don't, but in school, it was everything. I didn't know that I didn't know how to socialize with people though, I didn't understand that I was different, so I thought I was ugly. Now, I know that was silly, but at the time, it was everything. Of course, now, I sometimes think, being ugly would be better than having a bad personality.
The thing is I don't have a bad personality. It is just different. I care about other people. A lot. I want to be helpful and behave in an appropriate matter, but small talk just escapes me. Just hanging out with people I don't know well is extremely difficult, and there is always a time when you don't know someone new.
I cope better now. I am older, and I have learned. It still isn't easy for me. I need plenty of down times from working through the socialization times.
Sometimes, I wonder why people behaved meanly to me. For people were mean. Not just ignoring but out and out mean. I know now that part of it is that people really don't know how to act when someone is different.
My brother said to me awhile back, something along the lines of, you used to be weird in high school, but you aren't now. I thought it rather humorous because I think I am far weirder now. I cope better though. I think maybe that part of me was what he was referring to. I know more how to fit in.
Now, I know that people like me, with my personality traits, are considered to be on the autistic spectrum. Sometimes it is useful to have a label. Not always, because some people still don't believe that you are different. People still say to suck it up and get over it. People still say it is just learned stuff. I know this is not true, but there is an intellectual part of me that needs to understand and validate nearly every opinion. Sometimes, it is not easy being me.