Jacqueline

I somewhat recently started a new blog, on Blogger. I wanted a new consolidated, public blog. It felt like the right time. I have been working on posting here more too so I will probably cross post a bit. For right now, if anyone wants to check it out, it is here at Scrumptiously Alive.

I was thinking today that I shouldn't write a blog post if I don't feel like writing a blog post.

Today, we headed into Syracuse to pick up Josie and Lia from their youth con. We went in early and visited with Emma for a little while. That was nice. She told us about her redecorating projects. She is decorating her bedroom. It will be fun to actually see it soon.

Esme is coming back from her extended stay in Wisconsin soon. She will be staying with Emma and working at Wendy's again, with the goal of earning enough funds to visit Rory in Oregon this summer. I think she will spend the rest of the summer/fall here working on her portfolio for Pratt. It will be odd to have 3 young ones in the house again. :) Not bad though.

Today was a confusing day. The Teen group at our church was suppose to meet at a different church for a long meeting to plan a Youth Convention, but then the location was changed at the last minute.  We managed to get them there on time, and it was actually a more convenient location, but it was a little unnerving.

Then Diana and I did the weekly grocery shopping and browsed at Barnes and Noble and had coffee. The we picked up the girls and went to the library, and then it was back home.

I am dreading work tomorrow which is not a good way to start the week. I am not quite sure how to get rid of the feeling.

I think I forgot to write a blogpost yesterday.

I can't be sure.

It seems blogpost isn't a word, but I like it and will leave it.

I often feel like there is no one to hear me, and yet, I have to deal with people all the time.

Of course, I realize that they probably all feel the same way.

http://vimeo.com/59956490

I watched this video today.

I am not sure how I feel about it.

School, the socialization part of school, especially grades 6 - 12, had a negative effect on me. It was pretty profound. I did not know how to socialize with people. I still don't, but in school, it was everything. I didn't know that I didn't know how to socialize with people though, I didn't understand that I was different, so I thought I was ugly. Now, I know that was silly, but at the time, it was everything. Of course, now, I sometimes think, being ugly would be better than having a bad personality.

The thing is I don't have a bad personality. It is just different. I care about other people. A lot. I want to be helpful and behave in an appropriate matter, but small talk just escapes me. Just hanging out with people I don't know well is extremely difficult, and there is always a time when you don't know someone new.

I cope better now. I am older, and I have learned. It still isn't easy for me. I need plenty of down times from working through the socialization times.

Sometimes, I wonder why people behaved meanly to me. For people were mean. Not just ignoring but out and out mean. I know now that part of it is that people really don't know how to act when someone is different.

My brother said to me awhile back, something along the lines of, you used to be weird in high school, but you aren't now. I thought it rather humorous because I think I am far weirder now. I cope better though. I think maybe that part of me was what he was referring to. I know more how to fit in.

Now, I know that people like me, with my personality traits, are considered to be on the autistic spectrum. Sometimes it is useful to have a label. Not always, because some people still don't believe that you are different. People still say to suck it up and get over it. People still say it is just learned stuff. I know this is not true, but there is an intellectual part of me that needs to understand and validate nearly every opinion. Sometimes, it is not easy being me.

I have started somewhat regularly listening to loud music with my headphones. I wonder if this is a huge mistake because I already have significant age related hearing loss on top of an auditory processing disorder. At the same time, this is something that really gives me great joy. I will need to think on this more.

Lia is spending a week away, and the rest of us have tentative plans for tomorrow, and Diana and I have definite plans for Saturday.

It has been really cold the past few days. Yesterday, we went into Oswego to do our weekly errands, but we only went to the library because the streets were so bad. (They don't use salt in our area, and it was snowing hard. Some of the roads had not been plowed at all and the ones that had been plowed had a couple of inches on them.)

In other winter news, we still have a few feet of snow packed on our yard. It will be a slow thaw this year.

I learned the Japanese words for winter and snow.  ふく　(fuku) and ゆき　(yuki). They seem appropriate!

Today has been a day for resting. I am doing my project finish things, but that is it! The last few days have been so busy!

Diana and Josie are out visiting today, and I took a nap (sometime I almost never do!) I am also eating junk food (just a little bit of it.) Lia is spending the week at my sister's so it is just Ant and I here. He spent some time with me, and now, I think he is on to gaming for the evening. I was going to make chili for dinner, but I think there are still enough leftovers.

We have a new camera and so far I am very happy with the photos!

Life here is pretty smooth right now. I am not sure to what to write about. I am mostly tired when I am blogging, and that leads to me keeping everything to a minimum.